It might be ugly, but it's fantastic.
When Patrick was acquiring my (underused) letter press the person selling it pointed to a pile of parts and rotten wood and said "You can have that for free, if you want it."
Patrick, being my trusty researcher, and having spent many late hours in the design workroom with me, recognized a jewel in the rough.
It's a book cutter (clamps and cuts many sheets of paper at once), and after he sharpened the blade, and replaced the platform, it works great!
Total investment - approx $20
Total Value - Priceless!
and no, I will not be using it for anything other than paper.